androktone: (Default)
Remember, remember the fifth of November,
Gunpowder treason and plot,
I know no reason
Why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot...
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It's been an exhausting week. Harry hurt himself very badly and I spent 12 hours on Monday with him wrapped in my arms willing him to be OK, and he was. Steve had to have an endoscopy and that is an upsetting proceedure in itself, combined with the worry of whether they would find anything cancerous (they didn't). I had to work.

I've been thinking a bit about the nature of pain, because it's one of those things we all have to confront eventually and one of the things we're least prepared to deal with.

When you're a child, when something hurts, you panic. You want the thing that hurt you as far away from you as possible. You cry, you shout, you flail around. When you get a bit older, you see pain as a spur to action. You become angry. You attack. Both of these are inbuilt reactions.

When you're a teenager, and maybe beyond, you might toy with pain. You might flaunt it as a control that you have over your inbuilt responses. It's a powerful thing. Building up your tolerance to pain is empowering. You might let somebody else hurt you to prove how much you love them, how in control you are. You might let somebody hurt you because you feel sorry for them, and you feel strong enough to carry their pain and your own. It's a powerful thing.

As an adult, as you get older (and I know a lot of people go through their twenties without ever noticing this) you get unwanted, habitual pain, and you learn to live with it. A bad tooth or an old break, ecsema or a lung disorder. It doesn't challenge your immortality but it hurts and you have to put up with it. You develop a barrier in your brain against your natural responses to "fight or flight" and you will yourself to be passive, to carry on with work or your family or having fun or whatever is more important. It wears you down and you get depressed but you learn how to deal with it. If you're a responsible type, you might learn to change your lifestyle so as not to aggravate it - no alcohol, no cheese, no drugs, no wheat. If you're defeatist you will carry on with your bad habits until it is intolerable (i did). Plenty of people live like this day to day for years because they are not ready to face the greater pain and expense of getting it sorted out medically.

At some point, for most of us, you realise that your body is like a car, it needs bits readjusting or replacing, and whether it is bad teeth, stomach ulcer, cancer or arthritis you have to bite the bullet, go to a hospital, and submit yourself to invasive tests and therapy. You have to actively fight the bit of your brain telling you to run away. Love or hate the NHS, it gets you fixed, but it isn't fussy about how much pain you encounter on the journey. If you don't think things are going to hurt before you go in you learn a harsh lesson inside. You have no control over when or what your treatments willbe and you're suddenly in this surreal, "Brazil" - like arena where life runs on a completely different set of rules to anything you've ever experienced before.

I would like to reaffirm - this happens to nearly everybody. If it hasn't happened to you yet, get used to the idea, because very few people live entirely healthy lives, never break a bone, never have a baby, and die in their sleep.

At this point, you can decide how to deal with it. You can fight and squeal, but it won't help. You can get depressed and withdraw, but it will only make you more prone to infection and complications. You can submit, which I think most people end up doing, trusting your doctors because you have no choice, or you can reach out and overcome, bear your pain stoically, do everything positievely, be cheerful and try to help others, be brave. Its the hardest thing of all and something not everybody manages. But if you go to any ward in any hospital there are people propping themselves painfully up in bed joking with the nurses. I think this is the highest, greatest, most spiritual thing that you can achieve. When I die I want to be joking with my kids and their partners and after they've left at the end of visiting hours I will turn over quietly and let go.

I've had a crash course in pain - myself and other people's. When I was small, I broke things and hid them from my parents because they would have been angry with me. Toes, fingers, I bit half through my tongue. When I was at university I got in a couple of fights and had my eyesocket cracked. I let somebody brand me. After I started working I got pregnant (twice) and had natural births (a bit of an eye opener on the pain scale). Harry was 11 lb. I have had my wisdom teeth taken out when I was conscious. Not life threatening things, but I know pain.

I've watched Steve go through pain at levels I didn't know existed through his cancer and the treatment and I have watched in absolute fucking awe as he went from scared to angry to resigned to reslient in a matter of days, to the point where he was checking we had enough money ofr the electricity bill while recovering form stomach surgery with a crap anaesthatist who couldn't get the epidural to work.

I've watched Lillith have her tooth pulled out, trusting me, even though it hurt more than anything she had ever experienced before because her jaw was too small for the dentist to inject the anaesthetic in the right place.

I have watched Harry stumble stunned through the door with his whole face smashed up, covered in blood, unable to focus or open his mouth, baffled and afraid, and fight through it all evening until he finally got enough of a hold on himself to be able to drink water, and go to sleep. And he woke up in the morning asking if I was ok..

And I love and respect all three of them so so much more for having seen what they went through and how they made themselves bigger than their animal responses, because it isn't anything anyone can teach you, it is the hardest lesson of all and everyone learns it alone.

And I think of other frieeds who were in pain before I understood what that meant, who pulled together their energy to have fun with me and interact with me and made themselves larger than their experiences so that they could share the time with me.

And I think maybe it is time we actually talked about pain rather than brushing it aside so our friends don't have to feel guilty.
androktone: (Default)
gig went pretty well
so surreal sitting cross legged in a spotlight playing and singing to people you don't know
My fingers hurt
I love steve
He plays bass for me when I sing
He learns all my songs
so I don't have to play alone
we keep the beat going together
exchangign glances
I think thats what love is.
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Clawfiger and Pantera at 60db first thng in the morning sends me to work with a smile on my face :)
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If you are annoyed at work and thwarted
Just follow my instructions to get sorted
If people are annoying,
If they're clingy and they're cloying
Just stab them in the head till they're dead.

Oh stab them in the head till they're dead
Oh stab them in the knees till they bleed
If people are unreasonable,
They're stupid and unseasonal
Just stab them in the head till they're dead.

Christmas no. one I reckon.
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One of my friends posted up a link to this article in the Telegraph, which is just one of several in the media about an incident which happened in Luton a few weeks ago. At the time you might have noticed that all of these articles were eerily similar - because modern reporting just involves looking at reuters and then adding emotive bits to tell the readers how to think.

Anyway, my friend took what the article said at face value (as you would, because we still don't expect respectable broadsheets to lie to us) and I happen to know the other side of the story, so I thought I would put it here to coincide with the BNPs little shindig on the BBC tonight.


You shouldn't believe everything you read in the Telegraph, for a start "Officers wearing helmets and carrying shields were sent to the park after Asian youths attacked local police. "

Bury park isn't a park, it's a road. This gives you an idea of the quality of reporting we are dealing with. The quotes are accurate but taken out of context.

Three months previously, there was an arson attack on the mosque in bury park (possibly by EDL members, we don't know yet), the mosque was badly damaged, nobody has been charged for it yet, people are understandably upset. The telegraph reported it at the time but didn't link back to it - also notice the reporting is emotionally skewed to make you think "well, they deserve it then". The protest against the anglican regiment they refer to was actually 8 asian men holding placards against the iraq war (fairly understandable when you march a regiment thats just been killing iraquis through an area largely populated with their relatives) - the trouble at the protest started when local (white) people took objection to the asian protestors and started throwing bacon at the protestors and threatening them with violence. The police actually had to defend the asian protestors from the mob of white people who attacked them. Afterwards the asian community in Luton dissociated itself from the protestors, because their policy has always been to keep their heads down and not speak up. Rights of free speech notwithstanding.

Despite this, there has been no asian-related violence in town. When walking around at night in Luton town centre it is not the Asian population we are worried about attacking us. Bury Park is a pretty safe place for a woman to walk around at any time of the day or night. The community has been keeping itself very quiet since the London bombings in fact, which was the last time the media scapegoated them.

The EDL publicised the march and invited people from its other chapters in London and Bristol and Manchester, also members of the BNP. We were all terrified. Last time they had a "peaceful march" they rampaged through town in balaclavas smashing up shop windows. Oddly, I can't find a report of this in the Telegraph. A young Asian man had his jaw broken and some women were manhandled. We all had to stay in that weekend because we were scared of going into town. The 30th August march only didn't happen because the Council applied to the Home Secretary for an injunction making it illegal for any marches in Luton for 3 months from August-Oct and the police made it clear that they were ready and waiting.

There were only 5 kids involved in the dispute, although a crowd did form to see what was going on.
The kids were angry because they had been told by text message that an Asian woman had been raped in the town centre and the police wouldn't let them see what was going on.
Extra officers were drafted in at the beginning of the problem but by the time they got there nearly everyone had gone home.

An Asian Councillor came to the scene as soon as the Police called him, calmed the kids down and sent them home.
Nobody was hurt.

I work in the Chief Exec at the council with the Crime and Disorder Reduction manager and various other people who decide policy for the Council. I also get to speak to the councillors and my colleague at work lives in the area. I myself live half a mile away and walk through it to go for lunch. I hope I am a little better informed than the fucking torygraph (and every other paper that copy and pasted, adding bits to spice it up)

We all actually get along pretty well in Luton. The people that really live here, I mean. Its fucking loonatics related to football hooligans using us as an excuse for a saturday afternoon fight that have stirred nearly all of this up.

There are groups of Asian people in Luton who have stuck their heads above the parapet to say that they think the war in iraq is wrong, and a lot of us agree with them. There have been Asian youths who've stood with placards in the town centre trying to make people aware how their rights are being eroded by stuff like this, and the papers call them "fundamentalists". There are strongly religious groups who meet and complain about what is going on, but they don't DO anything.They live here. They want to continue living here. They don't want to fuck things up even more.

Every time any Asian in Luton does anything, the media leaps on it, blows it out of all proportion, and uses it to justify our fucking horrible institutional racism. When white people do things to asian kids, the media stays quiet.
androktone: (Default)
It's gig whoring time again! Would anybody like to offer the Adenoids a gig in november/december? Will play anywhere in england, crash space appreciated, guaranteed obscenities and all round high jinks..
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Bop and Roll tonight at the georgeII (Starting from 2pm) - we're on at 8 in fancy dress :)

Bring it!
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Steve and I are thinking about going away for our anniversary in October..
We will probably go to Walton,

But in the spirit of trying something new I was wondering can anyone recommend a magical little B&B or hotel or cottage somewhere pretty in about a 2-3 hour radius of London for less than £80 per room per night?

There must be all sorts of gorgeous places we haven't seen yet :)
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I don't often feel envious of Americans, but damn can their President write a speech.

You can see why people want to follow Obama. I thought he was going to get dragged down by the health debate but he rode all the reactionary republican antics and now he's nailing it. It makes you think he might just be one of the good guys. Maybe he'll be able to fix other things, too, given time.

His public personality is mature, courageous, decent... our polititians don't even know how to pretend to be those things, let alone actually be them.

I am envious. Where's our Glorious Leader?
androktone: (Default)
I had some more training today, and i drew this :)

androktone: (Default)
fucking hell
the adenoids will be performing with their original lineup at lutonaid on the 25th
hah should be well funny :)
androktone: (Default)
For sale:

One small, crazy boy. Sadly volume control is not included in this package. Open to offers.
androktone: (Default)
Does anyone fancy coming to the Northampton Punx Picnic tomorrow? Travel + entry shouldnt be more than £20..
androktone: (Default)
Can anyone recommend me a good solid text book on Statistics.. preferably A-Level or undergraduate level.. I got asked if I'd maybe present a training course on stats (and common mistakes) at work - just the sort of thing the average person would need to know about data so as not to make mistakes! but I'd need to figure out how much I've forgotten or skipped before I'd feel confident teaching someone else.
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Would anyone like to go halves with me on this?

10 Lutzner Strasse, Leipzig
A COMPLETE FREEHOLD APARTMENT BLOCK IN WEST SAXONY, GERMANY The block was built in approx 1900 and requires full renovation. It is currently split as 10 apartments with a total floor area of 586 m2. Once the renovations are complete the apartments we have been advised the building could obtain a total rental income of approximately 35,000 Euros per annum. Leipzig is a large bustling city with in excess of 500,000 inhabitants and is serviced by two airports. Sold under German Law.

For sale by auction: Guide price £15,000
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THIS happened less than a hundred yards from me. I went into that shop a couple of times a week. They used to give the kids sweets. His poor wife :( I only saw him last week :( They were both in their sixties, they used to get up at 5am to do the papers and didn't shut up shop till 8, they never made any money out of that place and they always looked so tired. How the fuck did this happen to them? I'm going to go round (if she's still living above the shop, I wouldn't) and see if there is anything I can do to help. Money, or something. What do you offer someone who saw thier husband stabbed?

This town is seriously fucked up.
It's all getting too close to home. It used to be dealers or people outside garage clubs or sordid love affairs that went wrong. Not people I knew. I suppose I was fooling myself that these people were part of a different world. Friends have been beaten up badly and my house has been broken into loads but I don't think it ever hit me until now how fucking dangerous it is to live here. We need to be somewhere with less people.

Can it stop now please? I used to be so proud of Luton and how everyone managed to muddle along. Now all I want to do is get the kids the hell out of here before they get old enough to notice whats going on.


Jun. 11th, 2009 03:02 pm
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Steve bought me a clarinet of my very own!

I went home for lunch and we figured out how to put it together and I messed around with it - and it turns out I can play it a bit. I'd thought I wouldn't be able to get any note out of it at all without a lesson but I must have remembered Estella showing me on hers twenty years ago because the reed started vibrating against my lip and I managed to pull out a lovely low sexy note, and then several more, and then I managed three blind mice and frere jaques and "ASBO Kid" ;)

I've never played a reeded instrument before; I'm excited by how responsive and rich the voice is. I played for an hour at lunchtime, just experimenting with the tone, until I got a blister on my lip and started squeaking. I have a book to learn the complicated fingerings for sharps and flats but most of the major notes were easy, just like a recorder.

Give me six months and I'll be playing the theme tune from Poirot ;)

In a fit of musical excitement, we have also bought a violin for Lillith...
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Last night I had a vivid dream of tender white plants pushing their way up through the soil and when I got to the allotment this afternoon nearly all my seeds had germinated. I prowled along their ranks like a benevolent dictator. I feel quite loving towards the tiny shoots as they stretch feebly towards the sun. Later, when they are strong, I will eat them all.

I have done a lot of digging and Steve has hammered more bits of wood onto the shed and he is going to paint it British Racing Green with a go faster stripe. The day before yesterday a little old man gave me some artichokes and helped me to plant them, and today somebody who looked like one of the younger Dukes of Hazard (with pickup truck) drove up and thrust some potatoes at Steve before accellerating manfully off.

We are hatching Plans to go to Glade festival... we wanted to rent a VW camper van but they want hundreds of pounds :( Not that we couldn't probably save up hundreds of pounds but then we might as well buy a van and throw it away afterwards..

Also I think anyone who hasn't yet should listen to The Sad Demise of Myrtle Tiffin and idiosynthetic.
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And Gin Alley - a much better recording than any of the other ones. I am finally learning to use Audacity :)
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